Asphodel
by janecanblog
Summary: Neville is sick of hero worship, but what lengths will he go to in order to get rid of it?


**Title:** Asphodel

**Pairing/Characters:** Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy

**Rating:** M

**Words:** 1,688

**Warnings:** Bluntness, Neville is a BAMF, 1st person POV (Neville)

**A/N:** This is my first ever attempt at crack, so don't hate me if it blows. Thanks to my betas melissaisms and muffins144 for putting up with my whining and complaining about not being able to write this. It was written for hp_crackdealers' Crack!Fest for the prompt "Harry decides to have an anything-but-clothes party for the Gryffindors. Soon the word spreads through Hogwarts and all the other houses want to join in -- as well as the professors, ghosts, house elves, and portraits!"

Being a hero was fun… for about a week. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Voldemort is dead and gone, and the work I did on that snake was a power trip to be reckoned with. But the after effects, the parties and the press and the skanky women and the adoring fans? That first week I fucked 15 different women and none of them meant anything to me. It got old real quick. The thing with being a hero is, you never know who is hanging around because they really care about you and who is hanging around because they want to be able to say they've fucked a hero. And you know what the worst part is? I'm _still_ jealous of Harry Potter. He knows who his real friends are because they've stuck with him this long; they were there when the public thought he was crazy and they're still there now.

That's why I sought out Draco Malfoy. It's not that I missed being ridiculed and humiliated, because I really didn't, but before I became a hero, I knew who I was. When I was unpopular, I knew who I could count on to be there for me. So I went to Malfoy, the one person at this school who was despised as much as Harry and I were adored. I knew that he could help me become unpopular again.

As I should have expected, the conversation started with him calling me crazy. I told him I was sick of being worshipped as a hero and I wanted to go back to being nerdy little "Neville the Herbology Genius". I told him I needed his help.

"Longbottom, you've gone mental," he responded and turned to walk away.

"No," I called after him, "you are the only person here who can possibly help me become unpopular again."

"I don't know whether I should take that as an insult or a compliment," he said, turning back to me, "but I don't really care that much. Why should I help you Longbottom? What's in it for me?"

I thought about my answer. I knew that I would never get what I wanted if there was nothing in it for Malfoy, he was a Slytherin after all. "There will finally be someone lower on the totem pole that you are again?" I knew it was weak, but it was all I could give.

"I should say no just for insulting me, but luckily for you I have a plan that will work in my favor."

I should have known it would have something to do with Harry. Everything Malfoy did was somehow about Harry, always had been. So when he told me that he wanted me to ruin Harry's celebratory Voldemort-is-dead-so-let's-take-off-our-clothes party, I shouldn't have been surprised.

I knew about the party already, of course, but the other houses weren't supposed to know. How Malfoy knew, I didn't find out, but he always seemed to know a little too much about Harry for my liking. The fact that he found out about the infamous "Anything but Clothes" Celebration was nothing out of the ordinary I guess.

So Malfoy gave me a mission. I was to steal one of the flyers from the Gryffindor Common Room and use a spell to alter the wording. Instead of "Gryffindor's Only" it was now to read, "Open to all houses, including professors, ghosts, portraits, and House Elves." Once phase one was complete, I was to replicate the flyers and hand stacks of them off to members of each of the other three houses, slip a few into the staff room, show one to the Fat Lady, and slip a few more into the kitchens. The word would spread, and everyone and their House Elf would show up to Harry's party in anything but clothes. Malfoy's thinking was that a lot of them would show up naked, and Harry would be embarrassed. Harry would get angry and look for the culprit. According to Malfoy, the one thing that students wouldn't stand for was the torture of their hero, so when it was found that I was behind it all, I would be immediately unpopular again. It was a surprisingly good plan, and I was excited to see how it played out.

By the day of the party, everything was going perfectly according to plan. I had been hearing talk at all of the house tables about what people were wearing to Harry's party, and I even saw one of the House Elves talking to Professor McGonagall about it. I was excited and nervous and filled with dread all at the same time. I kept second-guessing myself, wondering if this was really what I wanted, but every time I even thought about changing my mind, some girl would slap her breasts in my face or whisper in my ear that she wasn't wearing panties.

I almost fucked three different women that day before finally knowing what I had to do. I went to the Greenhouses and hid from the world. I knew that no one would come looking for me there because no one remembered anything about me before the war. I walked through the Greenhouses for hours, just thinking, knowing that today was my last day as hero. All at once I caught my reflection in one of the windows. It was getting dark outside, but I could see my reflection perfectly, and for the first time since the end of the war I knew, I was happy. To think, Draco Malfoy was the cause of this.

"I thought I might find you here," said a voice behind me, making me jump.

I turned around bitterly, "What do you want, Malfoy?"

He ignored my question. "Things seem to be going well, Longbottom. I'm surprised to say, you did good."

I grinned, "Now don't get all sentimental on me Malfoy, I'm doing this to have less friends, not to make new ones."

"Oh don't worry, Longbottom, I'm happy you did well, but I'm far from wanting to be your best friend." He walked past me and looked out the window, toward the school. "What've we got, an hour til the party starts?"

I nodded. I didn't particularly want to spend the next hour with Malfoy, but I had to notice that he looked quite good in the moonlight shining through the windows, kind of ethereal. He was already wearing his outfit for the party, which seemed to be some sort of miniskirt made out of different kinds of coins. The coins jangled together when he moved, and glittered in the moonlight. My eyes traveled the length of his long, pale torso and around to the curve of his arse. "You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex."

Malfoy looked at me, his mouth slightly open. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he spat, "Don't objectify me!"

I laughed and turned around to look for a plant to wear, leaving Malfoy sputtering in indignation. He was trying to be aloof, but I had definitely seen him checking me out. It took me a while, but I found what I was looking for, a large asphodel plant. The flowers were in full bloom and would make for an interesting skirt.

I pulled out my wand and began to sew the flowers together with a spell my Gran taught me when I was twelve. Unfortunately, Malfoy came over and saw what I was doing. "Wow, Longbottom, I didn't realize you were such a girl, sewing your little flowers together."

"Oh shove it, Malfoy," I told him, "Or maybe you'd rather I shoved it… in your arse."

"Is that all you've got, Longbottom? Questioning my sexuality? You could have at least stuck with the flower theme."

"Sorry, Malfoy, I didn't realize your flower was still intact. Cute bloke like you, I would have thought you would have lost your V-card ages ago."

For the second time tonight, Malfoy gaped at me. He kind of looked like a fish the way his mouth was opening and closing, an adorable, albino fish, but still, a fish.

"You can keep opening and closing your mouth all day, Malfoy, but it won't do you any good. I can tell you want me. There's no use hiding it. Our plan is going to go off without a hitch, and then you and I are going to go back to Gryffindor, and put that mouth to better use. Yeah?"

Malfoy's face immediately flushed, but I knew he understood me. I quickly slipped out of my clothes and into my asphodel skirt and grabbed Malfoy by the hand. We walked slowly back to the school hand in hand.

When we got to the room of requirement, we could tell there were already a lot of people inside. "Maybe you should go in first, and I can come in a few minutes later," Malfoy said. "That way they won't think we're together or anything."

"I doubt anyone will even notice," I told him, dropping his hand and pushing open the door. My jaw dropped as I peered inside.

Everyone inside was completely naked. Littering the floor were a few odds and ends that I'm sure had at one point been covering people's genitals. There were tables and couches and chairs cluttered all over the room with couples in various stages of crazy, wild sex. Professors and ghosts and house elves were littered among the students, portraits who wanted to attend the party were hanging along the walls; it was absolutely disgusting.

I looked at Malfoy as he turned to look at me. Our eyes met and I slammed the door shut, grabbing his hand and running. I didn't know where I was running to, but I just ran, dragging Malfoy behind me. When we finally stopped, I realized I had brought him back to my dorm room.

"Well, I guess this is one way to stop the images from burning holes in my brain," Malfoy said, and grabbed my waist. It was going to be some kind of night.


End file.
